Distant Promise

They say when someone breaks up with you, you should wallow in self-pity for a while. Wearing baggy-clothes, sitting in front of the TV with a large pot of chocolate ice-cream and watching really silly, sloppy love-movies, cry your heart out and then get over it.
If that’s too girly or too depressing, you could get drunk with your best friend. Drowning the depression in alcohol and philosophize about the meaning of life while cursing that person that dumped you and then get over it.
Or you could just go blonde.

Kato Shigeaki hat considered every single one of these options. The first one was just impossible, since chocolate ice-cream had no great effect on the body and his body was kind of important for his job. And he didn’t like girly movies anyway.
Going to get drunk with your best friend sounded like a great idea. It sounded like a real plan, actually. The only problem was: The person that had broken up with him was his best friend. And Shige could imagine better things than getting drunk with Koyama Keiichiro.
Ramming a rusty nail in his knee for example.
So Kato Shigeaki found himself in a hair dressing salon, the bleach burning his scalp. And he was constantly questioning himself who the hell they were and why he was listening to them.

When the nice lady was done washing the colour of, cutting his hair and styling it though, Shige found that they were right after all. The change helped. It helped looking in the mirror and not seeing the brown hair that Koyama had always loved touching, running his hands through, always begging Shige never to change it, because it was just perfect.
But the new colour and the new cut just symbolized a change and a new start. And as Shige went home, it was the first time in weeks that he didn’t feel empty, lost and damn alone because he knew nobody was waiting for him.
He was still sad and he still wanted Kei back with all his heart. He still couldn’t accept how things ended between them, but he started seeing a silver lining and that was a start.

They had been together for over a year. It felt like they naturally belonged together, it never felt weird that they were both men, that they used to be only best friends. Shige had always thought that things would just be perfect once they became a couple. They completed one another. They were strong together.
But the difficulties started soon. They didn’t want to tell their band members, afraid that someone might blab, that a staff member would tell the press accidentally or that Johnny would find out somehow and god knows, Shige was not very enthusiastic about those “YOU”-conversations and neither was Koyama. Shige was afraid of telling his parents, he knew his father was very conservative and so their relationship was more or less a secret.
Of course, everyone noticed how they acted around each other; everyone saw the glances, and the obvious, innocent touches. But no one ever cared, since they were KoyaShige. They were just meant to be like this.
It was okay like that for a while. But after a year had passed, Koyama started feeling uncomfortable and they would start fighting for no reason. Shige heard the words still echoing in his head, Koyama used the same sentence in every single one of these fights
“I love you and I want to show that! Why can’t we even tell our friends? I feel like I’m lying to myself!”

They made up, they got along and then they fought again. Shige was buried in work for university, Koyama had his own activities and things started to drift apart. They never really fixed all the small cracks in their relationship. They just forgot about them, but the wounds became deeper and deeper eventually. Shige felt left alone, he felt like Koyama was pulling away from him more and more.
There were few moments of peace, of pure happiness, where they would lie next to each other, where Shige would rest his head on Koyama’s chest and just look at him until the older man would start feeling weird and would start giggling. And Shige just smiled and whispered how much he really loved him.

But these moments of peace couldn’t seem to give any of the two the necessary feeling of security and trust. And for the last weeks before their breakup, Shige felt like Koyama had become a completely different person. He wouldn’t talk to him about anything, he would be very quiet all the time, only giving Shige attention when he felt like he was literally begging for it, only being tender and nice when they were in bed. He wasn’t the caring, sweet person Shige had fallen in love with such a long time ago. And one night it happened.

Koyama was standing in the door to Shige’s bedroom; Shige was sitting on his bed. Koyama smiled, asked “What’s wrong?” Shige didn’t really think before he asked “Do you still want to be with me?” Koyama was definitely surprised to hear Shige asking this question with so much seriousness, with so much pain in his eyes. “Do you?” he asked again to emphasize his feelings. Koyama sighed but took no time considering his answer “I think I can’t.” Shige gasped. He had expected him to be at least a little hesitant about this. “But~” he felt that his voice was cracked already.

“Shige… I love you, I really do. But I can’t be with you like this. I feel like I’m only hurting you.” Shige got up and looked Koyama in the eye. “Because you’re not letting me near you! Just be like before, Kei… I don’t want to lose you.” – “I can’t go back to that. The secrets, and the lies and all that. I can’t change how I’m acting and I’m only hurting you with it, see? Let’s just end it.”
“No!” Shige couldn’t think of an answer, but he thought that the desperation in his voice was enough of an argument.

Koyama was being really unnaturally cold to him, even the Koyama Shige had experienced in the last weeks had never reacted like this when he saw Shige in pain.
“I just think we don’t work as a couple without me hurting you. I know you can’t imagine it right now… but going back to being friends would be the best. I love you, as a friend and as a person and I would never want to lose you!” Shige was speechless. Then he was angry. “What the hell, Kei?! You think I have some sort of button I push in whatever direction I want it to go? Love? Friendship? It’s not the same for me and I can’t go back just like that!”
“I don’t have anything like that either. I just think that this is the way I’ll hurt you least with.”
Shige couldn’t think of anything more painful than these words coming out of the mouth of the person he loved. He felt like no argument could convince Koyama. And he didn’t want to beg.
So it ended with Koyama leaving him in his apartment. Shige was amazed how calm he was, he didn’t even cry.
The breakdown came at night. And it lasted till the next morning. And the next.

Since then, Shige was improving his acting skills. Every time he was around Koyama when they were working together with the other members, he put on a smile, his usual behavior and no one noticed anything. He couldn’t stay strong when he gave Koyama the things he had left in his apartment and when he got his own things back the next day. He wanted to hold on and never let go. He couldn’t get over it.
And that’s why he decided to go blonde.

The reaction of Ryo and Yamapi laughing at him, the questioning look on Massu’s face and Tegoshi’s simple “Eh?” didn’t bother Shige at all. He just saw Koyama and he saw that his smiling façade was fading. And for the first time since their break up, Shige could at least see some pain in his eyes. He didn’t want Koyama to suffer. But for that moment, it felt good like this.

They had recorded and promoted their newest single. “Happy Birthday” was all happy, sloppy and annoying the hell out of Shige, but it was his job and he was kind of glad about the distraction. His only fear was the next tour, the idea of sleeping in a hotel room with Kei and for the first time in almost two years not sharing the single bed.

Before the tour was starting off, Shige had some stuff to do for university. He spent hours in the library, leaving when it closed and going home in the dark of night, working into the early mornings usually.
One night he dragged his bag with tons of books outside, he saw someone was standing on the parking lot, where Shige usually waited for a cab to pick him up. He could recognize this silhouette within thousands of people and all of his plans about getting over the break up and Koyama were destroyed within seconds when his heart felt like it was crying out in pain at the sight of Koyama.
‘What are you doing here?’ Shige wanted to ask. But he just managed a “Eh?”. Koyama smiled and was holding a cup that he was giving to Shige. “It’s coffee. I heard you were working so late these days.” Shige was confused about Kei’s smile, about his soft words. “I’ll give you a ride home, okay?” Koyama asked him and Shige nodded slightly. Koyama was making no sense at all.

They didn’t say a word in the car. Shige wanted to ask so much but he couldn’t. He couldn’t even look at Koyama. So he was just silently sipping his coffee and looking out of the window. Koyama parked the car and accompanied Shige to his apartment.

“Kei, seriously, what are you doing?” Koyama smiled. “Can I come in? Just for five minutes.” Shige nodded and opened the door, throwing his bag on the floor. He didn’t offer Kei a cup of tea or anything. They just sat down in the living room and Shige watched Koyama expectantly.  

“Shige… I can’t do this anymore.” Koyama said, quietly, his voice just a little above a whisper. “You can’t do what anymore?” Shige raised his eyebrows. “I can’t act like this break-up didn’t affect me.” – “So what if it does affect you? You broke up with me. It’s your own fault you’re suffering.” Shige said coldly and Koyama sighed. After a while, he said in a really small voice “Can we try once more?” Shige blinked at him in confusion “Come again?” Koyama got up and sat next to Shige, forcing him to look into his eyes by placing a finger under his chin. Shige’s heart skipped a beat at the touch and he closed his eyes for a second, trying to burn this touch inside of his memory. “I thought it would be better for you if I left you. If you found someone you didn’t have to hide from your friends and family. I thought you would never be truly happy in this relationship. I…” Koyama sighed. It was rare that he didn’t know what to say.
Shige didn’t look at Koyama when he said “You have no idea how much you hurt me with all this, do you? Your distant behavior the weeks before and then that coldness. I can’t just go back and act like nothing happened~” Shige was silenced by Koyama’s lips pressing against his own. Shige wanted to push him away, but right now it felt too good. He exhaled loudly and his brain was seriously struggling with his heart until Koyama pulled away himself. “You can’t just fix it like this.” Shige whispered, but he thought that this wasn’t very convincing if he kept staring at Koyama’s lips.

“I promise you, things will be like they were before. I will try everything to make it work again!” Koyama’s voice was desperate and Shige just shook his head “I don’t want to go back.” Koyama looked at him in shock.
“I don’t want to go back. But I want to start over.” He smiled. And when Koyama smiled back, he added “You have to do something for it, this time. Don’t leave me alone again.” But during the last sentence, Koyama had already pulled Shige into a breathtaking hug. “I won’t leave you alone, ever again.” He kept whispering, burying his hands in Shige’s hair and holding onto him firmly.

When NEWS met for shooting the film material for their new tour, Shige was the last one to arrive in their wardrobe. Five pairs of eyes widened in surprise and he just grinned “I didn’t like blonde after all.” Then he walked over to Koyama and smiled “Hi.” – “Hi.” Koyama answered, with a confused ‘what-the-hell-are-you-doing-the-others-are-here’-look on his face. Shige just smiled again and leaned in to give Koyama a soft kiss on the mouth, making the other bandmembers jump and go “EH?!” all over again. Before Shige faced his friends, he whispered against Koyama’s lips:
“I told you I wanted to start over.”